Twas The Night Before Damian's Christmas
by bradp521
Summary: Only Damian would turn a holiday classic into a critique of inadequate crimefighting and security technique. Set during the time when Batman was believed dead and Dick Grayson had assumed the mantle of Batman with Damian Wayne as his Robin.


It had been a long night, and Dick was more than ready to hit the sack when he and Damian returned from patrol. Before he climbed into bed, though, he saw a folder on his pillow. There was a note clipped to the front of the folder, written in Alfred's elegant handwriting, which said, "Something for you to examine and perhaps address with the young sir."

Sighing, he seated himself comfortably against the head of the bed and opened the folder to find the following:

**"A Visit From St. Nicholas  
****_An Analysis By Damian Wayne_**

It is said that Christmas is one of the most significant of many America's many holidays, and a typical celebration includes a reading of Clement Moore's "A Visit From St. Nicholas". As such, a careful analysis of this poem provides insight into the inherent weaknesses of this mythology as well as the ways that the celebration violates both the basic principles of discipline and efficiency established within DEMON and the basic principles of crimefighting laid down by the original Batman.

_'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house  
not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse._

The fact that a mouse might be within the house to stir suggests a lack of order and cleanliness. Pennyworth is certainly adequate to prevent such a thing at Wayne Manor and any minion responsible for upkeep at the compound would be flogged if they permitted a rodent take residence there.

_The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,  
in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there._

Stockings ought to be stored in the appropriate dresser drawer when clean, and placed in the dirty laundry for a servant to wash when they are soiled. Additionally, advance knowledge that somebody would break into the house, at the very least, call for the presence of surveillance cameras and motion sensors, if not a stakeout to take the intruder into custody."

Dick groaned, rubbed the bridge of his nose and began to skim ahead in the paper.

_"With a little old driver, so lively and quick,  
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick._

A mere recognition of approximate age as well as speed and agility is insufficient to make a positive identification. It may be that the narrator is creating a fictional scapegoat for his own misdeeds. A polygraph might be in order to determine if this is an attempt to create an alibi for an insurance swindle by alleging a burglar who could be blamed for any valuables which would subsequently turn up missing."

"Oh, for Pete's sake," Dick grumbled. "Didn't Talia do ANY parenting before she dropped him with Bruce?"

He then skipped ahead another bit.

_"A wink of his eye and a twist of his head  
soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread._

This is an elementary misdrection technique. Without a proper identification and an adequate reason for being there, prudence requires an assumption of danger."

"And we thought Bruce had some tendencies toward paranoia," he muttered before jumping to a later segment.

_"And laying his finger aside of his nose,  
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose._

Any technology which provides flight capability would not be triggered by a touch of the nose. Any contact with a common allergen could result in sneezing, followed by a premature and unwanted flight."

"I'd love to have seen him at one of the old Titans parties playing charades" Dick thought to himself. "He'd probably interpret a nursery rhyme as a plot of world domination. How does he end this thing, anyway?"

_But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,  
'Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!'_

A failure to apprehend this individual would be simply unacceptable. Batman's inventory of vehicles provides several options for the successful pursuit of the fugitive who only has flying reindeer at his disposal."

Dick closed the folder and said, "Alfred was right, as usual. Might as well go see if he's still awake now and get it out of the way."

He made his way to Damian's room and pushing the door open, he saw the boy sleeping soundly. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room, he saw something else on the door of Damian's closet. Stepping closer, he saw it was an oversized stocking, which said, "Damian al Ghul Wayne, grandson of the Demon's Head and the one true heir to Batman." There was a small note pinned to the stocking which read, "Dear Santa, In the event that you are real and not a fictional creation of an inferior mind, please be aware that both my father's estate and my grandfather's organization are capable of providing generous compensation in the event that suitable gifts are offered to one of such an exalted bloodline. Sincerely, Damian."

Dick smiled, and said, "Well, maybe he's not as far out in left field as I thought."


End file.
